Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Birthday's Past Leads To Birthday's Present

(21st Birthday Tea Party '07)

(My first legal drink at Madden's in downtown Bryan)

(22nd birthday at the wine festival in Grapevine)

(Me and the girls in Uptown for my 22nd)

(Outside our hotel in downtown Dallas)

It's almost here.

Just around the corner.

I will be another year older and hopefully a little wiser.

In birthday's past I've felt nothing but excitement.

Always thrilled for it to be my day/week. Yep, week. I celebrate the great day that I was brought into this world for an entire week. Ha! I know I'm ridiculous.

I promise I only have princess tendencies when it comes to my birthday.

Here's an actual phone conversation with my Daddy on his birthday....

Me: "Happy Birthday Daddy!!!! Are you excited that it's your day?!?!"

Daddy: "Just another day sweetheart, just working."

Me: "So no one brought you a birthday cake or sang you the birthday song or told you to go home since it was your birthday??? You have to demand more from your birthday!"

Daddy: "That doesn't happen when you grow up. "

Me: "Yes it does, you have to make it happen. Be like me, I'm a princess on my birthday."

Daddy: (massive chuckling)

I'm not sure if he laughed because I do act like a princess on my birthday or if he thinks he has raised an absolutely ridiculous daughter, probably both.

The point is I will always expect a lot from my birthday.

As the years start to pass though I begin to feel a small weight.

I'm not concerned with getting old/older yet. I'm aware that 23 isn't exactly old and I don't want to act like it is. (Although, my knees are poppin' a lot more than they used to these days.)

The weight is more about each year and what I have done in that year.

What do I have to show for my 22nd year?

So I thought about it and this past year has been wonderful in so many ways.

Just thinking about the growth that I have made makes me smile.

Just thinking about the wonderful friends I've made in this past year makes my heart happy.

Just thinking about my family and their endless love and support over the last year makes me want to cry, in a good way.

You see, about a year and a half ago I was confused. I was positive I knew who I was and what I wanted.

But I didn't.

I knew what someone else wanted me to be.

I knew what someone else wanted and I was convinced I wanted that too.

I've always been a strong willed person and let my thoughts be known but at this point in my life it was like that person inside of me had died.

I did nothing but put someone else and their problems in front of my own.

What an awful way to live, always putting yourself last.

After a life changing experience I began to see my worth.

My lack of worth to someone.

Hurt and anger filled my heart. But I couldn't be angry at anyone but myself.

I allowed myself to let such worthlessness in my life and stay.

So I picked myself up.

I started fresh.

And I decided that the most important person in the world to know is yourself.

I decided that I don't want the inside of me to be such a mess.

I decided I never wanted to bring someone else into that again.

So for over a year now I've spent time on me.

Working on my relationship with me.

And for the first time I feel clarity.

So I like to think that this last year has been one of the greatest years of my life.

I'm also hoping that 23 lives up to the last year and that I learn just as much as I was lucky enough to learn this past year.

Afterall, I believe that's what's so great about life, you can learn something new everyday.

Something's Missing

It just isn't enough.

I just don't do enough.

There's too much time on my hands.

And believe my there's a fine line between ME TIME and TOO MUCH ME TIME.

And by too much me time, I mean that I feel selfish for not giving my time and my good fortune to others.

I have been undoubtedly blessed with the greatest family and friends. And I've been fortunate enough to not ever have to worry about a thing.

I can't imagine the burden that is put upon others every day for the basic necessities in life.

I have never had to worry about a roof over my head.

Food on the table.

Clothes on my back.

Gas in my vehicle.

Medicine when I'm sick.

And because of that I feel like I've taken them for granted a little.

But I will no longer.

They're all extremely important and so many people in this world do without them each day.

I can't stand it. The thought of people worrying about these things, these basic things.

How do you get to enjoy the greater things in life like...





Can you? Can you fully enjoy these relationships to their potential if your mind is constantly on something else?

So I have decided that I NEED to put some people's mind at ease. I need to give. Often. Everyday if possible.

So I'm doing a search for ways to donate and volunteer in the Denton area. Any suggestions on places and people that you know please e-mail me.



It passes.

It doesn't wait for you to get your act together.

It doesn't wait for you to make the right choices in your life.

It doesn't stop, rewind, and say try that one again.

It's just continuously on the go, not looking back.

A good friend of mine who passed away, once said, "Timing is the key life offers most."

I remember not thinking twice about that statement when it was mumbled three years ago.

I just thought... that's has way more to offer you than time.

And I still think it does but I see time and timing as much more of a factor now.

Sometimes time puts a huge smile on my face because it brought me something I wasn't expecting.

Other times I want to curse time for the things I feel it has taken away from me. Sometimes I just feel bitter towards time.

I feel like my life is controlled by time.

It tells me when I need to wake up.

It tells me when I need to turn something in for school or go to work.

It makes me feel like less when I haven't accomplished something on time yet makes me feel like more when I'm punctual.

It makes me hurt when it takes someone from me because it was "their time."

It makes me smile when it's almost two o'clock on a weekday and I know it's time to see six smiling faces.

But mostly time just makes me curious.

It has my past, controls my present and holds my future.

So I'm curious, what will time bring to me in the future, and when?