Sunday, July 26, 2009

*Update* I've been asked a few times if this post was because of something recent that had happened. I'd just like to say that it isn't. In fact, it's just me feeling comfortable enough now to talk about it and be completely passed the past. :)

If you allow someone to have every ounce of you inside and out and they abuse that, how do you recover?

Tough question.

I sat outside on the curb crying as he told me things such as, "you deserve better than me" and "I can never be the man you deserve". What a coward. What he should have said was, "I really just don't want to shape up and be the man you deserve. Oh and by the way there's someone else." At least if he would have uttered those words they would have been the truth. Afterall, if you're going to break someones heart I believe you should do it honestly. Plus, had the truth flew out of his mouth I probably would have been pissed instead of hurt and I probably would have moved on from it all much quicker. I would have at least got a good punch in before I sent him on his way.

Instead, he lied to my face, kissed me on my forehead and was on his way. Leaving me there, with my tear soaked face wondering what I had done. Had I asked too much of him? What was I lacking that he needed? Of course every little thing goes through your mind...... but the obvious thing, it wasn't you it was always him.

But it's not very uncommon for a woman to give her all to her man. We stand beside you through thick and thin. Even when our friends and family tell us he's a loser and that he'll more than likely never amount to anything more than a convenient store clerk. Somehow, you have faith in him. Faith that he'll change his life around and be the man you always wanted, needed, and deserved.

NEWS FLASH! You get what you see. Ladies, think about it.... when you go into a relationship are you thinking about how much this man is going to change you? You know how much he's going to change your control issues, your OCD, your faith, your bad habits. NO! Of course we aren't thinking about him changing us because we're perfect (or so we believe) and we don't need to be changed. He does. But if we're not willing to change why do you so badly believe your man will change and also why believe that it's going to be so easy to get him to?

So I thought I could change a man and learned the hard way that you definitely can't change the big things. I also learned that you shouldn't be with someone who you feel like you NEED to change most of the big things.

So you've put your all into this thing and then you get dumped. And I don't think it's the person that I missed so much. It's everything that I gave that I missed so much. You know that feeling, when you've given all of you and there you are a mess with nothing to give someone else. Not that you want to at that point. But you want to kick yourself for putting so much faith into a person who didn't deserve the smallest token of your devotion.

So you slowly recover from it all....

And then you promise yourself just one thing....

That it will never happen again.

And how in the world will you prevent that from happening?

Easy. Don't give a thing. Don't give your faith. Don't give your heart. Don't give anyone the ability to break inside of you and see who you really are.

I'm so guilty of this. Just yesterday I found myself sitting in front of my friend Jenna saying something like this, "Just assume nothing will work out and you won't be disappointed if it doesn't." What? I never used to say ridiculous crap like that.

Then Jenna pointed out that maybe it's better to be a little more positive than that. I thought about it....maybe.

And then I kept thinking.

Then I came up with this... I'm still letting someone else control me if I'm thinking like that, I'm letting them control my faith in people. And they don't deserve that ability. Afterall, they weren't good enough to make the cut so they sure as hell aren't good enough to control my life well after the fact.

Now do you keep your heart guarded? Absolutely. You don't want just anyone to break in. Afterall, that's part of the reason why you are who you are today. Because you allowed someone in that really didn't have any business there.

So I think it's important to find a place in the middle. Yep that big ugly word, compromise. Which if you know me is something I desperately hate to do. I want what I want and that's mainly control. But it's not realistic to think that you can control everything. And I don't think it's healthy to think that you should. You should give a little instead of always taking a lot.

So I sit here on this Sunday afternoon thinking about all the things I should be more willing to compromise on instead of control and must admit that those thoughts are all because of a broken heart and someones lack of give and total selfishness. Which I guess I should be thankful for.


Mitzi said...

poodle, I started a blog! Come check me out!

Victoria :) said...

I'm here! I'm reading too! I can't wait to add you to my friends list Princess!! Woohoo!!!