Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Reflection


So much has happened throughout the summer that I didn't blog about.

I needed some time to think and some time to have fun with the people I love and I'm lucky enough to have love me in return.

So I'm going to try to catch you up, but a lot has happened. And maybe none of it is important to you but it is to me.

I'm not sure what all I'll get to in this post but I'm ready to share the ups and downs of summer. We all know that Fall is my 'reflection' time so it seems only natural that I'm ready to evaluate the year just as it has started to cool down.

For starters, I feel like my life has finally started to come into focus. This seems natural since I've read time and time again that your brain doesn't really hit adulthood until 25 and I'm on my way there.

I'm not sure how to explain what my little mind has been going through but I'll try.

These are some of the things I've been struggling with lately...and the reoccurring theme seems to be the need for balance.

Technology. How do I stay true to what I believe in and what I feel is right when the whole world is racing ahead? Every time I turn around there is some new 'gadget' taking us further and further away from each other. Balance.

Things. Material things. I've told this story to a few friends about how over a week or so ago, I was sitting in my apartment and had this sudden urge to take everything off the walls and take anything that wasn't a need, throw it in huge boxes and give everything I own away. I didn't want it anymore. Erin text me and unknowingly stopped the madness, otherwise I might be living in an apartment with nothing but a blanket and a loaf of bread by now. Balance.

Culture. I have a hard time understanding and living in a nation that I don't feel is driven by values I believe in. I feel like we're a careless nation that abuses everything we can get our hands on. Unappreciative. Everything seems to be taken for granted here. Balance.

Vegetarianism. For all who have known me a while, you know that Mitzi and I gave vegetarianism a try back in 2007 and lasted around 6 months before we gave in. I have decided to give it a try again but now have legit reasons for this lifestyle and feel more passionate toward it. I'm just over the 2 month mark now and don't feel compelled at all to go back to eating meat. Meals now must always be planned out but I don't mind at all, I'm making sure what goes in my body is nutritious and healthy as opposed to just being a filler. I've felt healthier and more full of energy than I have in years. I'm also living an even more environmentally friendly lifestyle by giving up meat which helps toward my ultimate goal to lead a truly sustainable life. I'm working step by step to achieve that goal.

Judgement. I'm ashamed to say that judgement had crept into my life and left me feeling disgusting on the inside. After much prayer and working on myself I feel like I'm on the right path. I have no power within me to judge anyone, it's not my job. I find myself struggling day in and day out, but like everything worth working for I can't be changed overnight. I want a better me. I want to be a person that's openminded and ready for change which is hard to do when you live in a culture that is constantly telling you what is right and what is wrong. Balance.

Religion. I've been attending Cross Timbers in Denton for over a year now and continually felt like an hour on Sunday mornings just wasn't enough time with God and those who worship him. Yet, I still did nothing about it. I was mostly afraid of being picked apart and shown the ugliness that lays below the surface in my heart that needed to be changed. I was afraid of a breakdown. I was afraid of appearing weak. I've decided to let those walls down and allow God to really come into my heart, and not just at home where no one could ever see. I want my actions to show my devotion to Him. I want to fear the Lord. With that said, I've joined a bible study and I'm looking into more ways to become involved, including in other countries.

Travel. It's no surprise that if I'm having a hard time with the demands of our society that I'd like to go explore others. I'm very curious to see how other countries live, what they value and where they stand on moral issues. For this reason, I'm considering when I can move. I need some time away from this place. Most people see America as the greatest country in the world. Well, I've pulled back the curtain and I've began to see us for who we really are and I haven't liked a lot of what I've seen. Because I'm confined to Denton until May I will have to stick it out. That doesn't mean that I'm not exploring other options for a year from now. Which seems like eternity.

Nothing about this post was light. I know it's a heavy load. But sometimes that's the year you're dealt. It really has been a reflection. I've seen myself and others through a new pair of eyes, ones that seem to have had a veil removed. I couldn't feel happier or more blessed by the changes in my heart He is taking me to.

One life. That's all I've got. That's all you've got. It's getting shorter each day. I don't have time to be someone I don't like. I don't have time to put off things until tomorrow. I won't allow someone to sway my way of thinking and change what I have worked so hard to stand for. So with each day, I pray that I'm given more strength to become more humble, more compassionate and more full of wisdom. I will try to be a little quicker to listen and slower to speak and take in all that others can offer me on this all too short journey that I've been given.

2 comments:

Erin Gandy said...

Finally!!! Such a great post my little veggie eating Princess. :) I read this and find it funny how much we think alike. Please don't make me wait so long for the next post to come. Love you!

Erin Gandy said...

So Kinley is napping, and I'm reading some of your old posts and thought it would be neat if you made a post about how some of your reflections (if any) have changed since Daniel came into your life. Mostly because you hardly ever blog anymore, and I think you should! :)